Desperate Times Call For… Spiritual Outreach?

I’d consider myself a skeptic. Once I got old enough to think for myselffauxheavenly I realized that god probably isn’t real, and neither are ghosts, people who can talk to the dead, psychics… the list goes on. I’m not discounting religion. If it works for you–so be it. I’ve personally never been able to find faith or comfort in something I can’t physically see.

I mean, until this summer happened.

Five months ago on June 27th my life changed forever. It was a Tuesday evening and I was sitting at home in the exact spot I’m in now. Directly to my right was the wide-open front door because the three months of 70+ degree weather we get a year in Washington warrants a little bit of fresh air circulating through the house. I was waiting for my mom to come home with food and I saw her pull into the driveway from the door. Normally she would look over if the door was open to see if I was sitting at the desk nearby but this time she didn’t. When she finally came inside she said she wanted to talk to me. My first thought was that I was in trouble. Dad & Beth

I don’t know what I thought I did at 22 years old to believe my mom wanted to lecture me about something, but I did. Instead, she told me [my aunt] called. The last time my mom sat me down and told me she got a phone call from my aunt it wasn’t good news. My defense wall immediately came down, my face went straight, my mom was hesitating and “what???” just fell out of my mouth. All she had to say was “Your dad…” and my tone changed again. This time to hysterical.

I don’t really want to discuss the details of my father’s death here, but I will say he passed unexpectedly and the last time I ever saw him was almost a year ago, on Thanksgiving of 2016. Unfortunately it wasn’t out of the ordinary to go this long without seeing my dad but I had absolutely no idea it would be the last time I ever did. Before my dad died I thought I knew what it felt like to be heartbroken. I thought I had already endured immense pain. The reality is that I had no idea what any of that actually felt like until I found myself sobbing on the living room floor, helpless. The moment I found out is forever ingrained in my head. All the things I wish I got to say flooded to the forefront of my mind. I even remember thinking about how badly I wanted to see him so I could talk to him, even though I knew he was already gone. I didn’t know what it felt like before it happened and I don’t expect people who haven’t experienced something similar to fully understand.

Since my dad passed I’ve somewhat learned to better control my emotions. The hysterics only come out every once in a while, yet I still find myself wishing there was some way I could talk to my dad again. This feeling of desperation doesn’t go away.

I already mentioned my skepticism, especially in regards to any sort of paranormal entities. If I don’t believe in god or heaven it’s kind of hard to believe that there’s this place people go after they die where they can still communicate with us, right? That’s how I feel at my core… but I can’t help but WANT to believe that there’s a way to connect to my dad. I WANT these self-proclaimed mediums to work as vessels to a conversation between my dad and I. I am DESPERATE for someone with this supposed gift to help me find peace.

I’ve scoured the internet in search of local mediums and read countless reviews trying to find someone who would ease my skeptic mind. I even reached out to my facebook friends for guidance in a public post. And this is where I encountered more judgment than advice, hence my inspiration for writing this blog post. I said something along the lines of: “I’m interested in seeing a psychic or medium, does anyone have any experience or recommendations?” to which I received comments like:

“Only if you want to waste your money,”
“It’s all a giant scam,”
“Seriously? You actually believe in that?”
and so on…

Little did they know I didn’t believe in it but was desperately searching for any tool I could find to fill that that aching void in my heart. It was like being trapped in a pitch-black underground dungeon and seeing one beam of light in the distance, coming from a hole I knew was too small to escape from. I knew I was grabbing at straws with my idea to visit a medium but the chance of it being real and actually being able to connect with my dad again outweighed the doubts I had.

bigstock-father-and-child-in-tender-ges-16379474Instead of being uplifted by all the recommendations I thought I would get, I was even more discouraged by the negativity. I stopped searching, stopped reading reviews, almost gave up the idea entirely. All because of the opinions of people I hardly talk to. People who have no idea what it’s like to feel so desperate, who have yet to experience the pain of losing a parent. It’s been a month or so since this happened and luckily I’ve been able to re-process my thoughts on the subject. Now I know that contacting a medium is something I definitely want to pursue. The opinions of people who have not gone through what I’ve gone through are… well, irrelevant.

Humans will do outrageous things based on emotion. We’ve all been in situations where we felt helpless and would do almost anything to achieve that end result. Some ideas are even illegal or dangerous. And by all means, if you see someone wanting to hurt themselves or someone else or do something that could get them in trouble, say something. But please don’t offer unwanted, negative opinions on fragile subjects. I promise you’ll better understand once you’ve been in their position yourself.

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The Straightedge Stigma

Straightedge: (especially among fans of hardcore punk music) having an ascetic or abstinent lifestyle.

This is the actual definition that Google gave me.
Right behind “a bar with one accurately straight edge, used for testing whether something else is straight,” of course.straightedge 2

Admittedly, I had to look up what the word “ascetic” meant as well because I don’t even know how to pronounce it, let alone know the definition. It’s described as the practice of severe self-discipline and abstention from all forms of indulgence, usually for religious reasons.

So by definition and technical terms, someone who is straightedge is an uptight (“severe”) bible thumper who doesn’t smoke, do drugs, drink alcohol, have premarital sex, or masturbate (“all forms of indulgence”–I’m probably missing some, let’s be honest) and just so happens to like hardcore punk music.

Fair enough. Except not at all.

I can’t speak directly about being straightedge because I’ve never given myself that label and have definitely indulged in my fair share of gluttony. But what I can speak about is the fact that I’ve become some sort of a “straightedge magnet,” if you will.

Let’s start with some background stories: I was 16 when I got my first boyfriend. He was a year older (17, in case you’re bad at math) and partook in smoking, drinking, partying, all of that. I was never into it.

I was 17-20 when I was dating my second boyfriend. He happened to be straightedge. I really had no idea what this was as a 17 year old but he basically just explained it as “I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t party.” I thought it was the coolest thing ever because like I said, I just wasn’t into that whole scene in high school. I knew I could’ve been a lot cooler and probably would’ve had a lot more friends had I decided to drink at that age but I just didn’t care. And the fact that he was intentionally not doing it made it easier for me to refrain from participating in that lifestyle. But I still never considered myself straightedge because I always straightedgehad the thought in the back of my mind like, “Well, what if I want to drink at dinner with my friends when I get older?”

When we broke up I took the opportunity to “experiment” with things I felt like I should have tried as a teenager. I drank twice and also may have smoked weed a couple times before I turned 21. After I turned 21 was a whole different story and I went a little crazy because I actually found drinking and partying fun. I enjoyed myself. At this point in my life, a mere 9 months later, my perspective on all of that has completely changed. But we’ll talk about that in more detail another time.

The “straightedge stigma” I speak of is the association between straightedge people and judgment and negativity. People who label themselves as straightedge generally get put into a box with these negative mentalities. The idea is that all straightedge people think they’re better than those who drink, party, and engage in lifestyle choices they don’t necessarily agree with for themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely think those people are out there and that sucks but the majority of straightedge people (at least the ones I’ve met) honestly aren’t concerned with and don’t really care about what other people are doing. And that’s the way it should be for every kind of lifestyle choice. Here’s some friendly cliché advice: Don’t judge people. Worry about yourself. Other people’s choices do not affect you.

I feel like straightedge people are few and far between. In all of my online dating experience (see Tinder and Lightning) I’d say that 9/10 guys suggest meeting at a bar for the first date (so maybe I’m exaggerating a LITTLE BIT, but seriously, it’s a large percentage.) Yet, since my last real relationship, I’ve come across two more straightedge guys and they’ve ended up being some of my favorite pestraightedge 3ople.

I try not to be the kind of person who says “OMG it must be a sign!” but I truly feel as though these people have come into my life as inspiration. One recent morning I woke up and was kind of just like “I don’t feel like drinking anymore.” Maybe these inspirations had something to do with it and maybe they didn’t but either way I received a sign that made me aware of the fact that maybe the drinking/partying/doing drugs lifestyle just isn’t for me.

Next time you’re thinking about judging someone based on whether they’ve chosen to drink alcohol or not, think about all the more important things you could be focusing your attention on. People who drink are not bad people and people who don’t aren’t losers. At the end of the day, we’re all just humans.

**Photos are not mine. Credit goes to: www.pinterest.com.**

Tinder and Lightning

It’s no secret that I’ve experienced my fair share of online dating. I’ve been divulging about my experiences with Tinder on social media and to my friends and family since the day I started using it. In today’s technology-driven society I feel like it would be weirder to find someone who’s never dabbled in the online dating world. For a while I even had an entire folder on my phone dedicated to online dating apps. Tinder, POF, Bumble, The Grade, the list goes on.

Last week I deleted the entire folder.w2ZlpSd6
Groundbreaking, right?

Up until last week, it’d been over a year since I started my online dating journey. I realized I was completely dependent on these apps for entertainment, social interaction, and positive reinforcement. When I was bored, lonely, or feeling bad about myself I’d start swiping and eventually I’d get the satisfaction I wanted. It wasn’t until recently that I realized depending on complete strangers for happiness is extremely unhealthy.

Not only that, but online dating is kind of unrealistic. It’s not in my nature to go up to a guy I find attractive in person. It’s just not something I’ve ever been comfortable doing. But for some reason I’m a lot more confident when all I have to do is type out a message and send it. There’s been so many times when I’ve made the first move on an online dating app and haven’t thought twice about it.

When you’re walking around in a wgtrpublic place, your main goal isn’t necessarily to “mate.” When you’re online dating, that’s exactly the intention. You find and talk to people you would’ve never crossed paths with otherwise and specifically meet up with them to see whether you’re a good match or not. With online dating we have more options than we know what to do with. Being able to sift through people like you choose produce at the grocery store is not realistic. I noticed that being able to talk to any guy I wanted and have hundreds of matches on Tinder gave me an ego and a false sense of security. Some guys I’ve talked to on Tinder would never give me the time of day if their first impression of me was in person rather than online.

With all of that said, I have met some awesome people using these dating apps that I still talk to. The outcomes of my online dating experiences have not all been negative and I actually walked away with some benefits.

But for now, I think I’m done with the online dating world.

**Photos are not mine. Credit goes to www.twitter.com/tinder and www.tombola.co.uk.**