I’d consider myself a skeptic. Once I got old enough to think for myself I realized that god probably isn’t real, and neither are ghosts, people who can talk to the dead, psychics… the list goes on. I’m not discounting religion. If it works for you–so be it. I’ve personally never been able to find faith or comfort in something I can’t physically see.
I mean, until this summer happened.
Five months ago on June 27th my life changed forever. It was a Tuesday evening and I was sitting at home in the exact spot I’m in now. Directly to my right was the wide-open front door because the three months of 70+ degree weather we get a year in Washington warrants a little bit of fresh air circulating through the house. I was waiting for my mom to come home with food and I saw her pull into the driveway from the door. Normally she would look over if the door was open to see if I was sitting at the desk nearby but this time she didn’t. When she finally came inside she said she wanted to talk to me. My first thought was that I was in trouble.
I don’t know what I thought I did at 22 years old to believe my mom wanted to lecture me about something, but I did. Instead, she told me [my aunt] called. The last time my mom sat me down and told me she got a phone call from my aunt it wasn’t good news. My defense wall immediately came down, my face went straight, my mom was hesitating and “what???” just fell out of my mouth. All she had to say was “Your dad…” and my tone changed again. This time to hysterical.
I don’t really want to discuss the details of my father’s death here, but I will say he passed unexpectedly and the last time I ever saw him was almost a year ago, on Thanksgiving of 2016. Unfortunately it wasn’t out of the ordinary to go this long without seeing my dad but I had absolutely no idea it would be the last time I ever did. Before my dad died I thought I knew what it felt like to be heartbroken. I thought I had already endured immense pain. The reality is that I had no idea what any of that actually felt like until I found myself sobbing on the living room floor, helpless. The moment I found out is forever ingrained in my head. All the things I wish I got to say flooded to the forefront of my mind. I even remember thinking about how badly I wanted to see him so I could talk to him, even though I knew he was already gone. I didn’t know what it felt like before it happened and I don’t expect people who haven’t experienced something similar to fully understand.
Since my dad passed I’ve somewhat learned to better control my emotions. The hysterics only come out every once in a while, yet I still find myself wishing there was some way I could talk to my dad again. This feeling of desperation doesn’t go away.
I already mentioned my skepticism, especially in regards to any sort of paranormal entities. If I don’t believe in god or heaven it’s kind of hard to believe that there’s this place people go after they die where they can still communicate with us, right? That’s how I feel at my core… but I can’t help but WANT to believe that there’s a way to connect to my dad. I WANT these self-proclaimed mediums to work as vessels to a conversation between my dad and I. I am DESPERATE for someone with this supposed gift to help me find peace.
I’ve scoured the internet in search of local mediums and read countless reviews trying to find someone who would ease my skeptic mind. I even reached out to my facebook friends for guidance in a public post. And this is where I encountered more judgment than advice, hence my inspiration for writing this blog post. I said something along the lines of: “I’m interested in seeing a psychic or medium, does anyone have any experience or recommendations?” to which I received comments like:
“Only if you want to waste your money,”
“It’s all a giant scam,”
“Seriously? You actually believe in that?”
and so on…
Little did they know I didn’t believe in it but was desperately searching for any tool I could find to fill that that aching void in my heart. It was like being trapped in a pitch-black underground dungeon and seeing one beam of light in the distance, coming from a hole I knew was too small to escape from. I knew I was grabbing at straws with my idea to visit a medium but the chance of it being real and actually being able to connect with my dad again outweighed the doubts I had.
Instead of being uplifted by all the recommendations I thought I would get, I was even more discouraged by the negativity. I stopped searching, stopped reading reviews, almost gave up the idea entirely. All because of the opinions of people I hardly talk to. People who have no idea what it’s like to feel so desperate, who have yet to experience the pain of losing a parent. It’s been a month or so since this happened and luckily I’ve been able to re-process my thoughts on the subject. Now I know that contacting a medium is something I definitely want to pursue. The opinions of people who have not gone through what I’ve gone through are… well, irrelevant.
Humans will do outrageous things based on emotion. We’ve all been in situations where we felt helpless and would do almost anything to achieve that end result. Some ideas are even illegal or dangerous. And by all means, if you see someone wanting to hurt themselves or someone else or do something that could get them in trouble, say something. But please don’t offer unwanted, negative opinions on fragile subjects. I promise you’ll better understand once you’ve been in their position yourself.